‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
You Might Also Like
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut