My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
HR said no more nunchucks.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
LA today:
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?