Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.