CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.