I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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same vibe as tangled headphones
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.