Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”