“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The Birdles
those birds must be on payroll
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’ve had worse
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot