Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
sleeping beauty
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag