How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.