I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Growing up was a huge mistake
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.