I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Good morning!