I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters