Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
rise and shine we got egg
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh