I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled