Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
You Might Also Like
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written