PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
kitchen magnet
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!