I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
You Might Also Like
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I hate everything
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*