SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.