Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Meowchelangelo