“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Note to self: I am a note
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Grandmother clock.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?