My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.