*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY