My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Damn what did I do next
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.