Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
You Might Also Like
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?