Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
back to work
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
How animals would run if they were human
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]