He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.