one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
my professor scared me for a second
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.