*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help