Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL