Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu