Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.