Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here