I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
m’lady
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy