my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*