“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time