I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist