I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.