Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.