“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
You Might Also Like
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.