*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.