The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤