Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Meanwhile in Canada…
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.