Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
You had me at “define legal”.
My first child will be named New Folder.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda