Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
jesus christ confetti not now
meow
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..