The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.