doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You Might Also Like
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people