If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.