Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Feels
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.