Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You Might Also Like
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed