the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*